Post-election jokes from the late-night shows
(Thanks to Daily Kos for the round-up)
“Attention passengers: The Straight Talk Express is no longer in service. … Barack Obama is our new president. I think I speak for everybody when I say, ‘Anybody mind if he starts a little early?’ … At the end of the night, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or as Fox News says: ‘too close to call.’”
—David Letterman
“People were worried about the Bradley effect. Apparently, it was not nearly as strong as the Bush effect.”
—Jay Leno
“You know who I blame? The Large Hadron Collider. It is the world’s largest and highest particle accelerator. You may remember we were warned that it could create a black hole and destroy the Earth. Consider this: it launched in mid-September, when John McCain was leading in the polls. I believe it jolted us into a parallel universe that was exactly like our own, only Barack Obama is president and the Phillies are world champions.”
—Stephen Colbert
“Yesterday, first lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, ‘While I give you a tour, the girls can watch SpongeBob with the president.’”
—Conan O’Brien
“We’re all very happy except Sean Hannity, who is too busy in the bathroom crying.”
—Fox News’s Chris Wallace on The Daily Show
“People all over the world are celebrating Obama’s victory. Sarah Palin watched the Russians celebrating from her house. … Sen. John McCain’s concession speech was beautiful. It was dignified, and it was classy. And I think the reason for that is he didn’t let Palin say anything.”
—Craig Ferguson
“President Bush called Barack Obama to congratulate him. … Obama thanked Bush for his call and for all he did to help Obama get elected.”
—Jimmy Kimmel
“But right about now Joe the plumber is meeting with his transition team. They’re going to help ease him from obscurity back to oblivion.”
—David Letterman
And I’d like to add these from Stephen Colbert:
“Last night we elected a man called Barack Hussein Obama. What part of that doesn’t scare you?”
“It’s no secret that I have been upset since the election. I’ve tried taking my aggression out on a punching bag – but all the stuffing fell out after the first shotgun blast.”
“Obama’s victory: the international community weighs in. But it’s in metric, so who cares.”
“Obviously, American voters must not watch TV or movies – or they would know that every time a black man is President, something terrible happens. Either terrorists set off a nuclear bomb or an asteroid strikes the Earth… If these movies are any indication, it is only a matter of time before a terrorist teams up with an asteroid to invade the US. Though I am sure President Obama would be willing to sit down with the asteroid without pre-conditions.”
An aside: it appears that UK viewers can no longer watch video clips from The Colbert Report on its site. Which is, of course, gutting. You can still watch Daily Show clips, though – so I have no idea what, as they say, gives. 
Tags: colbert report, conan o'brien, craig ferguson, daily show, david letterman, jay leno, jimmy kimmel, jon stewart, stephen colbert